ooof

Do you ever have one of those weeks where every day is one of those days? Where you knock your funnybone on the wall? Forget to completely wash out the shampoo in your hair? Miss the 10-second window when your toast is still hot enough to melt the peanut butter just right (due to said shampoo situation)? That's me this week. It's the last week of school and I am pathetically trying to push through to the end. If you looked up "burnt-out" in the dictionary, you'd find a photo of me. Guaranteed.

As of right now, I'm taking a quick reprieve from grading research papers and paperwork. To which I should return.

In Him we live and move and breathe and have our being, and in him I can grade, focus, and finish well (but only in Him).

ringing in the weekend

Trader Joe's grub? Check.
Leggings on? Check.
Vino? Check.
Cheesy girly movie (Time Traveler's Wife)? Check.
Bike ride? About to commence.

This is one of the joys of being a twentysomething. You can do whatever you darn well want to on a Friday night. My bathroom mirror is splattered with toothpaste, we are down to one toilet paper roll (4-squares rationing...) and I haven't seen the middle seat in my car for a couple weeks now. And do you know what? Do you really want to know what?

I really don't care.

This girl's taking her bad self outside to bike and soak in the last of the Friday sunshine.

to have hope

What does it mean to have hope?

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:30-31

There's a promise in there: those who hope in the Lord will be renewed, strengthed, immovable. It didn't say: if you grit your teeth and just try really really hard to be better, you'll be stronger. Or, my personal favorite: if you have one more thermos of coffee, you'll be able to get through the day. I've been thinking about this verse all day. What am I hoping in the Lord for, exactly? Am I even hoping in the Lord? Am I hoping for the right things?

If I could pin it down as of late, I'm hoping that life won't be too hard and that God will bust open the heavens, plop down next to me in a coffee shop, hand over a roadmap for my life, and throw in a guarantee that life will go according to [my] plan. I'm hoping that God will take away certain parts of me, because then life would be easier if I could only "be like this person." I'm a feeler. I process everything on a feeling level and I view the world in the same way. I've been reluctantly coming to terms with that recently. Instead of trying to change that part of myself, I'm learning how to believe that it is a strength and not a sign of weakness. God made me that way. Who am I to say he did it wrong? I'm hoping that this tough stage will be over with soon. Transition is hard. It's not what I expected. Making new friends is hard. Paying the bills is hard. Working full time is hard. My dad laughs at me when I update him and my mom about my endeavors during our Wednesday night dinners. He goes, "Jill, the Lord is just hammering the iron." Then he chuckles heartily and takes another bite of pot roast.

I'm also hoping that God will speak to me, that he will show me where to step, that I will feel his reassurance and love more and more everyday. I'm hoping that the Lord is teaching me some big things during this time. I'm hoping that these life experiences will continually reveal to me how much I need God and need to be loved by Him. I'm hoping and believing that I will find my identity in his grace - and not anywhere else.

I'm glad he's got it together, because there are days I am a hot mess - amen!