In the quiet

Finally... it is so much quieter. Emily was brought up to full body temp today and is doing well. She is still hooked up to wires and an IV, but lost a lot of that stuff since she's off the cooling pad.

Where there used to be 5 different machines with screens constantly blinking and sounds beeping, there is only one. We have space.

Where there used to be wires all over her, in squiggles on top of her head, across her face, forehead, in her mouth and nose, now, there's just a feeding tube and several probes stuck on her little body. We have our little girl's sweet face.

Where there used to be us, crowding around the machines, trying to touch her as much as we could - there we still are, but we have space.

We haven't handled the past few days very well at times. It's still hard. But, we did our best. And we have grace.

Tonight we start the wait for her MRI results, but oddly enough, I'm not anxious. At least not right now. I think the world of difference is being able to hold her and feel her and smell that amazing baby smell.

And there goes the curtain and new nurses step in, and I should probably go. The one thing I keep thinking is that Chris Tomlin song line: "You are good. You are good." And He is, no matter the outcome. I know this because today I get to hold my baby girl, and today, that's enough evidence for me. 

One tough cookie

Emily was taken off the ventilator around noon yesterday! She is still breathing well without it.

I had my days mixed up. Tomorrow (Saturday), not today, is when the MRI will be done. We won't get results back until 12-24 hours after the MRI. Tomorrow morning at 6am they will begin the process of slowly warming her body back up to a normal temp. It will take about 6 hours to do so. The MRI will likely happen tomorrow night or Sunday morning at the latest.

They track her brain activity through these crazy probes, and we can see her brain waves on a monitor - it's fun to see how she responds to us! But the point of the monitor is to see if she has any seizures, which she has not. Phew!

After she is off the cooling mat, we can finally, finally hold her. I can also begin nursing her, too. She will still be fed through her tube, but I can't wait to hold my sweet babe and nurse. Today she began taking in my milk through the tube, about 6ml every 3 hours. The rest of her nourishment is coming from something called TPN, which from what I understand, is a super-charged fluid full of vitamins and everything good.

Last night they had to give her more platelets and are still keeping an eye on that. She is off of antibiotics. Her glucose levels have still been low; they are stopping it today and will retest a few times to see how she does. She is on morphine and atavan to keep her comfortable. When it starts to wear off, she voices that she's not too happy - I'd be the same if my body temp was that low! We heard a little cry for the first time this morning. It was actually very reassuring. I want her to tell me all about it!

Just a couple hours ago, we had a little scare with one of her tubes. Blood was clotting at the end of it which they spotted during a heart ultrasound this morning. But, when they took the tube out, the clot came with it... so relieved about that.

I got to see Oliver today which did my heart good. He'll meet Emily tomorrow once we can hold her - we didn't want to scare him with tons of cords and stuff. She'll still have a bunch of tubes and cords, of course, but at least we can wrap her up and hide them.

My milk is coming in:) It makes me feel good to be able to do something for her. My heart just aches to hold her.

Thank you for your prayers and keep em coming!
-Pray that the damage is none to minimal.
-Pray that she will be able to stabilize on her own once she's off the cooling mat.
-Pray that her blood pressure increases - it's consistently low.
-Pray for overall healing.
-Pray for wisdom for all her doctors.

I'll try to update tomorrow, too. Love you guys:)

Sweet friends: please pray

Hey everyone... It seems impersonal to plop this on a blog, but it really is the easiest way for me to communicate right now. Baby Emily made quite the entrance at 3:43am today, and we could use your prayers. It was a pretty traumatic delivery/c-section. They had to completely knock me out. When Emily was born, her heart rate was super low and it took 20 minutes to fully revive her. She had already lost a ton of blood and was distressed.

Because of her significant blood loss, she may have brain damage. They are keeping her at a cooler temp, around 92.5, until Friday. They are trying to mitigate any possible brain damage. On Friday they'll do an MRI and we'll know a lot more then. The good news is that she's wiggly, has great reflexes, and is getting ornery- so much so they had to sedate her. As far as brain damage goes, they are telling us that's a positive sign. So we'll take what we can get. No big surprises as far as her heart- all looks as we expected it would, so that's good too.

Something weird was happening with my placenta. The doctor said it was calcified and in two halves; Emily wasn't getting enough nourishment. As for when the placenta went "bad," they are trying to figure that out right now. I had an appointment last Thursday, and everything looked great then.

I'm a mess. I haven't gotten to hold her yet and I won't for quite a few days. I'm working on getting my milk supply established which is a challenge strictly pumping, not being able to do skin-to-skin, and just dealing with c-section pain.

Trying to stay positive but we need our prayer warriors! Please intervene for supernatural healing and strength. I fully believe that there is incredible power in prayer, but I'm pretty shot right now, and can't pray much more beyond "Jesus, please help."

I (we) love you all and will do my best to keep you updated. Please text encouragement my way - I'll try to respond, but it's a little overwhelming here. Please know that I am reading it and needing it even if I don't get back to you.

Oh, and she's adorable:)

Plastic chairs and promises

Last week, as we sat in the cardiologist's office, we watched her draw out the anatomy of our baby girl's heart. This is now the fifth time a doctor has drawn it for me. She was making sure - as doctors do - that we understood exactly what was going on. I know that I'm not done putting in my time sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs, nodding and listening as different doctors sketch the ins and outs of her heart, of the surgery, of the recovery, of the bypass machine, and on and on. If you've ever dealt with health problems - either personally or have been through it with someone else - you know what I'm talking about.

God doesn't do that. He doesn't sit us down and calmly draw out his plan, making sure we understand the terms, the detours, the risks, the complications, and the prognosis. None of this happens. Ever. And at times that is frustrating. He "knows the plans he has for us" (Jeremiah 29:11), but he doesn't sit us down and tell us those plans in detail, all at once. He chooses instead to walk along with us on the journey. He knows where we are going, but we do not, and he asks us to trust him. He tells us of his goodness through promises in his word, through others who know him, too, and, in the hardest moments, through soft reassurances you feel in your heart as you sit in your car and cry. 

The beginning of journeys like this begin with the unexpected: a diagnosis, a loss, a relationship cracking, a child leaving. And then we have a choice. Do we scramble, looking for anyone or anything to give us reassurances about exactly what we're in for, to give us some kind of a guarantee? Do we try desperately to fix the very thing that is breaking? Or, do we choose to turn to God and ask, "what are your promises for me?" 

So, I've been asking that very thing lately: what does he promise? What are truths about him I need to purposefully store in my heart?

• He promises that he will sustain us through it all: "He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength." -Isaiah 40:29

• He works all things for our good: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." -Romans 8:28 

• He is always good, no matter our circumstances: "Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." -James 1:17

• He is able to do much more than we can even imagine: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory..." -Ephesians 3:20-21

• When we go to him in prayer, he will give us peace: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

• He promises that he will never leave us; in fact, he is one step ahead, fighting our battles: "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

But sometimes as we sit in those uncomfortable plastic chairs, those truths and promises are not the first thing that comes to our minds. 

And it takes some work to let go of the anxiety and make a deliberate decision to trust God instead. Yesterday was one of those days for me when I was deciding this ALL the live long day (yes, including at 3:54am). Do you ever have those days? Sometimes, trusting Jesus takes some doing. It's a process. Some days, it's a fight. To choose to trust him is not always an easy thing to do. Simple? Yep. Easy? Depends. 

I'm glad he's got so much grace for us.

Prayers and thanks! We are beyond thankful that her condition is treatable and, eventually, can be fixed through open heart surgery. Pray for a successful healing of her heart, whether that's in a crazy miracle form or either through the equally crazy, miraculous surgery. How amazing is it - truly - that we live in a world where doctors can diagnosis these things well before these sweet babies arrive. And, keep praying that the little turkey flips! ;-) Also, I'm so thankful for my sweet friends, Katie and Natalie - they threw me a sprinkle on Sunday:) It was so fun to just celebrate this baby girl! I'm also amazed and so grateful for the help friends, family, and coworkers have been offering to us during this time. You guys rock!

Look at those cupcakes! And my cute friends!

Update!

On Monday, Jared and I met with a team of doctors, including the head NICU doctor. We got a much clearer picture of what Emily's first days and weeks will look like.

In the past few weeks, more has come to light about baby girl's heart. We have found out that she will need an initial surgery between 2-4 weeks old. Her lower left ventricle is measuring smaller than her right; this means even more blood will be pumped to her lungs, causing a lot of stress on her lungs and heart. To help slow the flow down, they will be putting a clamp around her pulmonary valve.

We will be in the NICU for at least one week and possibly up to a month. It all depends on how Emily is doing and the timing of her first surgery. At the appointment, we discussed the medications she will be on, what breastfeeding will look like, and the hurdles she will have while nursing and gaining weight because she will be so tired from her heart working extra hard. As Dr. George put it, until her open heart surgery later this year, we will be in a state of "managing heart failure."

Now the open heart surgery is estimated to occur between 4-6 months old. Since my last blog post, we learned that the official term for her heart defect is double-outlet right ventricle with a VSD (subarterial ventricular septal defect).

Because of the NICU's strict visitor policies (see below), Oliver can visit once, but that will be it. This was hard to hear, but I totally understand why, and I am glad that they are protecting those fragile NICU babes from getting sick.

To be honest, the hardest part of the meeting for me was hearing that after she's born, she can stay with me for about 10-15 minutes but then she will be taken right to the NICU so they can run lots of scans and tests and keep her under close watch. I was happy to hear that Jared can go with her, but on the other hand, I know being separated from her for her first few hours will be really hard for me.

I was amazed at the NICU team and especially Dr. George. While we were touring the NICU, he greeted every single parent by name and knew their baby's name. He only asked for our names once and continually talked about Emily; he knew every detail of her case already and was very thorough in explaining what we should expect both about her stay and about her heart. To say that we will be in good hands is an absolute understatement.

Please pray for... 
-Baby Emily to flip! She is still breech; I was 34 weeks on Monday. Selfishly, I don't want to be dealing with recovering from a C-section during all of this. I'm seeing a chiropractor now who is performing a non-invasive technique that helps breech babies turn. I actually did this with Oliver, too, and he flipped at 36 weeks. Because of my weird uterus, I'm not a candidate for performing a version or any other technique that pushes the baby around, so please pray the chiropractor helps!
-On the other hand, pray for baby to cook for as LONG as possible. I'm a likely candidate for having babies early (Oliver was 2 weeks early). But, if being breech means she stays in there longer to bake, I will happily take it!
-Pray for our family as we gear up for all of this. We have been flying around finishing projects, doing taxes, buttoning up sub plans, work leave, making freezer meals, and so on. Pray for unity, teamwork, and sweet moments of togetherness before we enter into this season.

Lastly, a note about visiting us in the NICU: 
The hospital will still be under strict visitor's rules because of this nasty flu season. Here are their guidelines for visitors to protect all of the very vulnerable NICU babies:
-You must have gotten the flu shot this year to visit.
-You must be healthy when visiting.
-If you've been around someone who has been sick in the past couple of days, they ask you to refrain from visiting, even if you are not showing any symptoms.
-No children under 5 are allowed to visit.

Faulty Wiring

I'm bringing back the blog! This is an easier way to keep everyone updated about our baby girl. And I'm too lazy to make a new blog.

For those of you who don't know, at our 20-week ultrasound last Friday, a rare heart defect was detected in our baby girl called Transposition of the Great Arteries, or TGA (see below). It occurs in the first 8 weeks of gestation for no real reason or cause. 

Today we had the ultrasound and echocardiogram. She does have TGA, but with a slight twist. First, instead of having both arteries incorrectly inserted, her pulmonary vessel is in the right spot, but the aorta is not. Both are inserted on the right chamber of her heart; her aorta needs to be connected to the left side of her heart. Second, there is also a hole between her two lower chambers that shouldn't be there. This hole is allowing her blood to mix, so she can circulate mixed-blood throughout her body (not oxygen-rich), but it can't stay that way. If not fixed, she would quickly develop lung disease or her heart would just get too worn out. 

So! The good news is she likely won't need immediate surgery, but she will need it corrected. They estimate now that they'll operate when she is 1-2 months old (this could change depending on how she's doing). It is open heart surgery, so they will stop her heart while connected to the bypass machine. I'll deliver up in Minneapolis so they can monitor her closely after she's born. They will also run a bunch of tests and do CT scans/etc in the 24 hours after she's born. They can only see things so clearly right now through ultrasound, and the surgeon will need to see the exact location of the aorta and the hole to know how he will fix it. She could have several more open heart surgeries in the future. We won't know that until she's born and he can see her heart. 

I'm so thankful it's not immediate surgery: we can bring her home, get nursing established, and snuggle and bond with her in her first days of life. I'm also in awe of what these surgeons can do. It's amazing. She's already a fighter and super wiggly; it took them over an hour to get a good view of her heart because she wouldn't stop flipping around.

Everything else looks just fine. Her valves and arteries look strong and have good circulation. 

She just has some faulty wiring:)

Buy a toaster

This is an old post that I never published - I think I wrote it around December 2010. It's odd how much of it is still so true. And I still do have that quote up in my classroom:)

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I have a quote up in my classroom that says, "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." Life doesn't work like a department store. If something's not working, if a relationship is failing, if someone is dying, if your job is on the line, you can't march up to the counter with your receipt and demand that it be replaced at no cost. What are we really guaranteed in life? So much we demand that we must have, but at no point has God told us that we will have everything we want and that everything is fair. It's not. That's a guarantee - "in this world you will have trouble." In some odd way, that is so comforting to me. I can bank on that - I can shape my life on that - because the unknown is more scary to me than anything else.

My Grandma Morreim is very sick, and it breaks my heart. Yesterday she was taken by ambulance to Mayo Clinic because her heart's failing. She is stable now, but we aren't sure what will happen next. She is so dear to me. I grew up taking trips to their house to spend hours upon hours with my Grandma in the sewing room. We made doll clothes, beanie baby sleeping bags, dresses, and quilts. Every time we took the trip to the Heartland quilt shop, she told me the story of the evergreen trees on the side of the freeway. "I remember riding in my Grandpa's truck," she'd say, "and he would tell us, 'kids, you see how small those trees are now? You'll grow up to see them get big, but by that time, I'll be gone.' And sure enough, every time I see those trees, I think of my Grandpa." My Grandma patiently taught me how to stitch together small squares of fabric, never snapping at me when I did it wrong or didn't understand. Her soft, bruised, purple spotted hands would cover mine as she showed me how to guide the fabric through the sewing machine. She smelled like Jergens. I remember the way the tiny yellow light from the machine glowed on her hands and how it made her silver wedding ring sparkle. She worked quickly, gathering up the small scraps of fabric and thread on the table and smoothing the large pieces of material over with her hands. Quick, long, sure motions.

I remember the last time I quilted with my Grandma, I grew frustrated. She wasn't how I remembered. She was slow, struggling to pull the fabric up onto the machine, shuffling around the sewing room, steadying herself on the tables as she walked. I had to go to the bathroom because my eyes were full of tears. She wasn't the same. Time and age had gotten to her. I was so angry that this happened to her, so mad that her body was giving out. It wasn't fair. None of it was in her control.

No, there's no guarantee. We cannot make sense of pain. But amidst it all, Jesus is here, inviting us into his presence. None of it makes sense, and the fine print is too blurry to read. But he is here.

It's been a while...

...so long, in fact, that I forgot my blogger account information! I have taken a long, long hiatus from blogging. In short, a lot of life happened. Instead of boring you with paragraphs of detailed information that you'll skim anyway (because that's what I would do), I'm just going to hop right back in.

What's on my mind tonight: abundance. This past year, the driving force behind everything I've sought after and fought for is this nagging, unyielding belief that God wants more for me. I'm not talking about circumstances. There is no magical formula of what I do and do not have that will make me any more or less satisfied. Nope. No job, pair of leather boots, cup of coffee, relationship, car, or checkbook balance will bring me satisfaction. On the contrary: those desires only point to something much, much, MUCH bigger that I want. It is an echo, a shadow, of what my heart is truly longing after.

Him.

Jesus.

What a simple answer amidst a complicated wilderness; but it is the only answer that has turned that nagging desire in my head into something calm, full of strength, and peaceful. It has brought in the belief that God indeed works everything for the good of those who love Him. It has brought in the full assurance that the answer to what drives us really boils down to this: we need Him. We long for something much bigger than anything we will ever find in this world. And He will call to us, continually, consistently, every day, in every thought, because He longs to bring us home.

He is the abundance that we need. It's in his nature. He's not just "enough," he is more than we could ever dream to ask for. When we see God for who he really is, "we realize we are more wicked than we ever dared imagine, but more loved than we ever dared hope." (Tim Keller).

Do I sometimes fall back into thoughts that are full of fears and doubts? Yep. But instead of looking back, I'm trying to focus on the fact that He pulls me towards thoughts focused on his goodness and grace. It's a process, that's for sure, but the point isn't how long it takes; the point is that we're walking in the ever-increasing knowledge of what the Gospel really means.

Charming typos :)

Judging by his spelling errors, I'm not sure how much I've actually helped him? Made my day nonetheless! Too funny!

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Dear Mrs. Morreim,

   

This is part of an email assignment in word proccessing. I would like to thank you for helping me be able to write collage grade pappers. Your class has helped me tremendously in writing collage grade pappers and essays. You also helped me sharpen up my wprd choice and grammer. Thank you alot.

    

Sincerely, Matt

Theraflu and Starbucks

Right now I am hopped up on Theraflu cold medicine and a big ol' thermos of Starbucks coffee. I am exhausted. It's one of those days where 8am hasn't even hit yet and I'm already giving myself pep talks. Yesterday I stayed home sick with a head cold, which has now moved into my chest, resulting in me sounding like a blues singer with a 30-year smoking habit. I probably should have stayed home today as well, but I get bored.

As I write this, I'm realizing how whiny I sound... A different way of saying how I'm feeling today is that I'm in desperate need of encouragement. In many areas of my life right now I feel like I am just barely making it by; in relationships, work, physical health. I am letting myself become run down by the world and its cares. I am being ruled by worry more often than I'd like to admit, or more often than I think is healthy (is it ever healthy? hmm).  I want to shovel these discouraging thoughts out of my mind and fill my head and heart up with His truth.

Psalm 27:14 - "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord."
Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

being graded

My students turned in their very first paper last week. As a teacher, it was easy to forget about the anxiousness that inevitably comes when a student turns in an essay. I was shocked at my students' questioning when I collected the essays: "Miss Morreim, do you think you'll get those done by tomorrow?" They weren't asking out of annoyance or impatience; their raised eyebrows and wide eyes betrayed them. They were worried about what I would think.

This raises a couple of questions for me. One, what is their experience with grades? Is it simply: if the teacher likes them enough, they will receive an "A" for that essay? Second, do they believe writing to be that subjective? They were relieved as I reminded them about the rubric; it shows them clearly what they'll be graded on and what constitutes an A, B, and so on. I also reminded them that I would not dock them points for something that I hadn't taught them yet - to which one student replied, "Thank you!"

The biggest question is this: how can I show my students that what really matters in the grand scheme of life is if they're proud of what they've written? What I wanted to ask them was, "Well, what do YOU think about it? Are you proud of it? Does this reflect who you are?" I want my kids to write things they'd be proud to hang on their refrigerator. I want them to write in a way that makes them not worry about what the teacher thinks. I want them to write about what they love, to write about things passionately, to write with purpose and with a desire to get better at the craft; and maybe, just maybe, along the way, to find a piece of themselves they didn't know existed.

In memory of Jill's reputation...

I've already got an embarrassing story, and it's only three days in! Imagine what else this school year will bring! Thankfully, this does not involve me teaching in my classroom. If I already looked like a moron to my kids, I'd be toast. 

So it's the end of teacher workshop week, and we're all gathering in the gym to take our staff photo. We decided to wear the football jerseys. The jerseys that were still wet from the washing machine and smelled like sweat, I might add. I'm chit-chatting away with one of my fellow new teacher friends and I grab a jersey without looking at it and throw it on. 

Little did I know as I walked towards the bleachers, laughing and talking, that I grabbed the most embarrassing jersey of all. Number 69. It took all of 7 seconds for one of the veteran teachers to notice and yell out, "Morreim! I like the jersey pick!" Commence the entire teaching staff laughing and cracking jokes at me. "Hey, Morreim! There's room in the front row!" "Morreim, try not to look so seductive when we're taking the picture. The kids will see this!" "Morreim, I'm not judging, but we're supposed to keep our personal lives private!" "Lookin' good, Morreim!" 

Well, I tried to be taken seriously as a professional. Good thing I was the youngest in my family - I've been conditioned to take crap like a champ. 

fear

Sometimes, when I'm bored and left to my own devices, I start to imagine my worst fears. All sorts of things, really. Fear of the future, past, what might happen, what probably will happen, thinking up things that will happen that in all actuality never will (but, you think, it still could happen), fear of losing family, friends. Blah blah blah.

I'm getting tired just typing all of that out. Sheesh, what a nutcase.

A few days ago as I was talking to God about all of this, something hit me: all of those things could happen. Yep. Trusting in God does not mean trusting that nothing bad will happen. Then I did something that I haven't done before. I played out those fears in their fullest - past when the dust settles on a terrible situation and  your entire life is in complete upheavel. Past my initial reaction and realization. Past the emotional trauma of having whatever fear it is realized in my life. After all of that - what would I do? Well, that's the wrong question. What would He do? He would give me strength, assurance, the supernatural ability to brush the dirt off myself and keep on walking. I'd be a mess, yes. But He wouldn't be. And in that I would be strong.

Don't you ever wonder how the Proverbs 31 woman "laughs at the days to come?" That woman has no fear. None. It seems that she quiets her fears by acknowledging that crap happens in life, and even if her worst dreams become a reality, she knows where her footing is - she is planted right on top of the truth that He will never leave us, forsake us, or abandon us. He did not make us timid, ladies! He gives us a spirit of power and a giant can of you-know-what to smack our fears square in the face, David and Goliath style.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

ooof

Do you ever have one of those weeks where every day is one of those days? Where you knock your funnybone on the wall? Forget to completely wash out the shampoo in your hair? Miss the 10-second window when your toast is still hot enough to melt the peanut butter just right (due to said shampoo situation)? That's me this week. It's the last week of school and I am pathetically trying to push through to the end. If you looked up "burnt-out" in the dictionary, you'd find a photo of me. Guaranteed.

As of right now, I'm taking a quick reprieve from grading research papers and paperwork. To which I should return.

In Him we live and move and breathe and have our being, and in him I can grade, focus, and finish well (but only in Him).

ringing in the weekend

Trader Joe's grub? Check.
Leggings on? Check.
Vino? Check.
Cheesy girly movie (Time Traveler's Wife)? Check.
Bike ride? About to commence.

This is one of the joys of being a twentysomething. You can do whatever you darn well want to on a Friday night. My bathroom mirror is splattered with toothpaste, we are down to one toilet paper roll (4-squares rationing...) and I haven't seen the middle seat in my car for a couple weeks now. And do you know what? Do you really want to know what?

I really don't care.

This girl's taking her bad self outside to bike and soak in the last of the Friday sunshine.