moving out

Packing today, moving in tomorrow!
HOLLER!

Needed: spring break and a cat poster

I am more antsy for spring break to get here than my kids! My motivation is low, people. I'm talking LOW. I want to get all my stuff done before break so I can relax, move in, paint, nest, explore. If anyone has ideas about how to keep my motivation levels up when I'm more interested in the burn on my ear from curling my hair than the stack of informative papers piled before me, let me know. I need a pep talk.

Today one of my Goals kids was inspecting the posters in my room.
"Miss M, do you have one of those cat posters? You know what I mean - the ones that have the cat hanging by a branch and it says, 'hang in there'?"
"No, I don't."
"You don't? Every teacher has those."
"I guess I'm not an official teacher until I have one, huh?"
"Don't worry about it, I'll steal you one tomorrow."
"No, don't take one from ano-"
"Miss M, I said don't worry about it, I'll get you one. You need one."
"But you can't just take one from-"
"Miss M. You NEED a cat poster."
"But-"
"I'm serious."
"Alright, fine. Just don't tell me who you stole it from."
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...

ahem:

This is my niece. She is the cutest thing in the entire world and is missed by her Auntie!

drawing a line

I'd like to think that I do not let my students' lives or problems impact me, but they do. It does carry over into my life, and I am still discerning at what point it is good, and at what point I need to draw an emotional line. Last night I couldn't sleep because I am worried about a couple of my kids. I also woke up dreaming about a nightmarish episode about my kids writing their works cited - nothing was alphabetized or spaced correctly. It was terrible.

Frankly, I kind of don't care if sometimes I can't sleep because I am concerned about students. It is what it is, and I can't figure out how to shut it off anyways.

thankful

I am thankful for, in no particular order:

bike rides
sunshine
levi's
my squirrely creative writing kids
my new nickname - "Miss Morqueesha"
dixon ticonderoga #2 pencils
nutella
honest friends
a paycheck
Betty the drive-thru lady
the moldy grass smell in spring
turkey sandwiches
a boyfriend who likes turkey sandwiches too
driving & listening to the rain
my crazy 8th grade confirmation girls
miss zimanske
the cold side of the pillow
grandma's quilts
my church
knowing all the songs on the radio in the morning
grace

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones." Isaiah 30:18

"I love you"

My niece said "I love you" to me last night on the phone. It was more like "lash ew," but still. Oh, my heart... :)

My parents are in Las Vegas until Sunday, which means I am in command of the dog. Correction: the dog is in command of me. Three times last night he woke me up, either barking at me to fill up the bathrub with water so he could get a drink (long story) or growling to let him go pee outside, a side effect of the said bathtub situation. Then, at 5:53am this morning, I woke up to him sleeping on my head and was introduced to another level of his snoring I didn't think was possible.

On April 1st, I am officially an adult. Christa and I found an apartment on Grand Ave! It's cute - wood floors, nice windows, teeeeny kitchen, charming bathroom. Ooo, and a parking spot to boot (hard to come across).

Jill comes to visit this weekend! Wahoo! And tonight, Lance and I are having dinner with Molly, Matt & Sarah (who are in town visiting from Chicago). AND, next week my dear friend Kirsten from summer project comes to visit for a night! I am looking forward to spending time with my friends!

belated valentine's day poem

Looking through poems this morning, thought this was pretty funny...

IF YOU FEEL SORRY
by Ted Kooser

If you feel sorry for yourself
this Valentine's Day, think of
the dozens of little paper poppies
left in the box when the last
of the candy is gone, how they
must feel, dried out and brown
in their sad old heart-shaped box,
without so much as a single finger
to scrabble around in their
crinkled petals, not even
one pimpled nose to root and snort
through their delicate pot pourri.
So before you make too much
of being neglected, I want you
to think how they feel.

my saturday evening

This is me right now: leggings tucked into my socks, unwashed hair, wearing a brand-new Gap sweater found at Savers this morning ($4, thank you, tags were still on it), Harley sleeping on my lap, glass of wine in hand, lesson plans on the table, John Mayer playing, cooking steak & brussel sprouts.

Bliss...

grace like an ocean

When my heart breaks for my kids, when I'm up to my eyeballs in planning, when I am unsure about my future, when I miss my friends, when life isn't exactly "just so" - I realize life will never be orderly, that I am blessed to have friends to miss, that the world is at my feet and my future is in His hands, that I have an amazing opportunity to learn more about planning and teaching, and that I although I can't fix my kids' problems, I can give them a safe haven, I can give them prayers, and I can give them love. I can even use commas in excess if I want to even though I'm an English teacher.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
-David Crowder Band, "How He Loves Us"

Essential Question: Who are my students?

While in my teaching prep courses at UWEC, our learning goals were framed in "essential questions." Our content was driven by these EQ's. One of these EQ's hit me in a new way today: Who are my students?

It's one thing to answer this question in theory, referring to textbooks and articles written by adolescent psychologists to present my well-written and articulated answer. Those answers and conversations had order, semblance, and systematic thinking behind it. But I deal with people - with students - and the first theory that I chucked out the window is that you can approach people based on generalizations.

Today I was shown who my students are.

My students struggle with deep-seated depression that they can't shake, bringing them near tears when I asked them, "how are you today?" I saw the feeling of defeat and hopelessness written all over their face, and saw in their eyes that they didn't know how they were going to make it through the next hour.

My students have been abused. Hit by the very people who should love them; discarded with the attitude that parenting them was a flippant, optional decision. They have steeled their approach in return, callousing their hearts, sharpening their offense and letting their guard down only when they've tested you long enough to know you are safe.

My students face severe anxiety, and are paralyzed from it. Who can focus on school when you feel like the walls are inching closer and closer in on you? Their feelings are out of control, jumping and maneuvering and colliding like hail reacting to the sidewalk. They would give anything for consistency, for routine.

My students need me to look beyond their missing assignments, poor attitude, and lack of effort in order to see and understand what's really going on: their messy and unpredictable life.

the little engine that could (with a little help)

"Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." -Oswald Chambers

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

confession

I wanted to walk out of my classroom today and never return...just leave the kiddos there, go grab some coffee, and hurl the non-working laptop carts off into the commons area on my way out the door. Not to mention, assign a detention to every single kid who asked me if this was worth points, if they could do their math homework during class, or why couldn't he flirt with the girl next to him all hour and not write his rough draft?

It ticks me off that I need to assign a point value to every single thing, that I'm responsible for the kid who will potentially fail. If they aren't motivated, do I have to hold their hand? That annoys me to no end. Kids need to see the consequences of their choices. But when it's my butt on the line, what then?

It's time to get creative...

hazelnut coffee & scrambled eggs

Mmmh. McDonald's has the BEST coffee. I'm sitting here enjoying a large cup of black coffee with hazelnut syrup and scrambled eggs with ketchup.

Week 3 already! Wow. In some ways that feels fast; in others, it feels like I've been here for months. I am settled into a routine but I don't think it will all feel real until that first paycheck comes! Next big thing on the list? Finding an apartment :) Christa and I will be looking in the Uptown/Chain of Lakes area and the St. Paul Grand Ave area. We think it might be a little ambitious to get a place by March 1, but, if the right place comes along - who knows! I'll miss sleeping with my dog every night, though. He's a mini heater.

As I am still working on my coffee, I am low on wit and insight at the moment. Check back with me later.

restored

Funny the things I turn to for satisfaction, when all the while, the Lord is near and is waiting. My actions are evidence of what I'm really trusting in. I'm trusting that this big old cup of Starbucks coffee will morph me into the most productive and creative teacher while I plan lessons today. I'm trusting that if I schedule out my entire day, if I write it all in ink into my planner, then it will happen. I wrote it in ink, didn't I? I'm trusting in the belief that other people's perceptions of me matter the most, and I can tell I'm doing so because my feelings are contingent on what I perceive they must be thinking of me. What do my students think? What do my colleagues think? I'm trusting in my own plans and in my own power. "No thanks, God, I've got this one. Really."

In other words: I know I'm not perfect, I see my shortcomings all too clearly, but instead of going to the Lord for forgiveness and fulfillment I am trying to fix it myself. I have this feeling that I don't quite measure up because I don't measure up. This is truth: we fall short of perfection. Well, now what? How do we react to this? I know what doesn't work: trying to live life on Starbucks coffee and a day planner.

I'm forgetting about a very important adverb.

In the book of Jeremiah, Israel messed up (how's that for a Biblical synopsis?). The prophet Jeremiah had the happy job of announcing the destruction of the kingdom of Judah, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal places of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword in the fight with the Babylonians: 'They will be filled with the dead bodies of the men I will slay in my anger and wrath. I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness.'" -Jeremiah 33:4-5. They sinned, and there was a very real consequence for that sin.

But what is the very next word? Nevertheless. It's an adverb. Adverbs modify and describe verbs; it changes their meaning entirely. Pay attention to them. The story does not end with God doling out an appropriate judgment to Israel; the action of his judgment and wrath is absolutely modified by the promise of restoration that follows. God then says, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me... there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness." He brings abundant peace to our hearts, an overwhelming security. He fully knows and sees our sin - YET - He rebuilds, restores, cleanses, forgives, infuses joy and gladness into us once more. His love is nothing short of fierce, powerful, unwarranted, undeserved, incomparable. Pure.

Pay attention to adverbs. The truth is easily twisted. We are sinners, but do not forget about "nevertheless." Do not forget about the promise of restoration that God freely offers to us. Stop trying to hit the reset button all by yourself, because you can't. Believe you me, I've been trying. Go to him. Step into grace. "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." -Jeremiah 33:2.

Must do: plan escape route

To protect the privacy of the parties involved, I will not give specifics. However, I will say this: at one of the schools I teach at, there is a bonafide creeper-teacher. I did not want to categorize creeper-teacher immediately, as that would be considered rash and not entirely very friendly; but due to today's events, he has left me no choice.

So I'm walking down the hallway, saying "hello" to teachers and casting dirty looks to participants of public "I'm going to inhale your toungue" sessions, when I see said teacher on the other side of the hallway.

Encounter One
Me: Good morning.
Creeper-Teacher: Hi.
Me: How are ya?
Creeper-Teacher: Excellent.

Encounters Two, Three, and Four
Me: Good morning.
Creeper-Teacher: Hi.
Me: How are ya?
Creeper-Teacher: Very excellent. [Channel your best Hannibal Lector voice while saying these lines in your head]

Today's Encounter:
Me: Hi there.
Creeper-Teacher: ... [insert brisk walk, knotted eyebrows, and a 10 second stare]

Tomorrow, I think I'll pick my nose when I see him. What's he gonna do with THAT?!